Damali's Journal: Volume Three

By

L. A. Banks

If I could scribble out these last few hours I would, but I cant. I need somewhere to quietly, privately bleed and wail so this journal entry is between me and you, God. Ive been so far and so long away from writing that, somehow I know I may never get back to what I used to do. My life, everyones life, is so very different now, after what just went down.

If I could scribble out these last few hours I would, but I cant. I need somewhere to quietly, privately bleed and wail so this journal entry is between me and you, God. Ive been so far and so long away from writing that, somehow I know I may never get back to what I used to do. My life, everyones life, is so very different now, after what just went down.

Everything has been so hectic, who has had time to write? It shouldnt even go on paper, truth be told. I just wanna curl up in a ball and cry, but Im all cried out. I should be jumping for joy; part of me isI dont know why I feel this way. Conflicted. Thats the word. But the one thing I do know is, something is wrong with my man. I could feel it as my hand hovered millimeters above his feverish skin and finally touched his back. It was the way he nearly winced when my fingertips landed on his shoulders I was so gentle. My caress was from pure love. Hed called me his wife. I dont understand?

Maybe it was because hed been tortured so badly thats why I touched him like he was made of glass. Maybe his senses are overloaded. Please God, tell me thats it? He cant take no more. I cant take no more. Maybe all his nerve endings are messed up or what he saw down there just freaked him out so much he cant deal? Maybe he doesnt feel its right to even be touched by human hands after seeing the angels? Maybe its the ashes on my hands my hands are filthy from blood and battle and gore, and this man just saw something none of us have ever seen?

So, Im sitting here with my arms wrapped around my waist, trying to make the pain stop, trying not to touch him, trying not to holler and cry and act the fool. Im trying to stay very still and not rock. I dont want Mar or anyone, especially not Carlos, to even know what my body is going throughand they can never know what doubts are in my mind. I hesitate to even tell You, cause the last thing in the world I want is for You to be angry, think Im ungrateful, or to take away anything else. Thats not it at all Im just kinda scared.

The main thing is, hes back. That, and getting us to safety, is all that matters now. Ill live. But the cramps are making me sick to my stomach. Maybe hes feeling them, too? Maybe thats why, after his ordeal with The Chairman, he cant absorb that sensory overload? Thats the last thing I wanna do is hurt him. Yall know Id take a bullet for that man would ride or die with him, just like he would for me. But I keep passing these nasty, thick clots I just need a shower, to get clean, to forget, but how?

They took our baby, Lord God maybe thats why he cant even look at me now? All I can think of is what it might have been a little girl with wide brown eyes and fat pigtails I would have taught her everything I know how to fight, all of it how to sing, and dance, and love life. She would have had all these papi Guardians and wise Nana Marlene. Forgive me. I will not cry, I will not cry, I should be thankful that it was early, were young, and hes back. My man is back he called me his wife. Thank you, Lord, for every blessing bestowed.

But I cant lie to You and keep the tears from my eyes, cause it might have been a bronze skinned, rough and tumble little boy with a wild head of unruly hair, sly smile like his daddy beautiful brown eyes Carlos would have taught him how to be a man. His papi is all that. A soldier. And I would have loved to watch that new life grow inside me, feel my belly fill up, just to see the look on his face wed talked about it, and he was so happy. God, did you see the look on that mans face when he found out?

I will not cry, I will not cry, forgive me for crying Lord. Im still a woman and human. Did you see his face when he found out? Did you see his dreams? Did you see his fantasy when he put his head against my big stomach and spoke soft and gentle to what was his? I would have given him anything he wanted, even that. Especially that. Hed called me his wife.

Maybe thats why he cringed away from my touch his lovers hand his wifes caress, his friend to the bone, his confidant the one who will keep all his secrets and never tell a livin soul he came back but part of his dreams died in Hell. What could have been, what I held in me for him, thats gone.

Next time. Yeah. I know. Just please, no more drama make the pain stop. These clots remind me. I can feel the blood next to my skin. That was us. Me and him. I will not scream. I will not cry oh God, another one is passing and it hurts like hell.

Still, I keep wondering whats on this mans mind? I just wanna hold him, tell him that whatever went down its gonna be all right. But my touch isnt what he wants.

Hes cool just sitting near me, but each time I reach for him, I can feel him about to bolt. Is there something in my Neteru being thats causing it? Am I fluxing again, or something? He sounded insane was babbling about being a Neterubut if hes that, a touch from one of us shouldnt have this effect. Is it wishful thinking, or did he come back as something too horrible to mention? Oh, my God, tell me he isnt a daywalker, please Jesus, what is he?

I know I said I wouldnt cry and the tears wont stop running down my face. Yeah, okay, Im on the verge of hysteria. Truth. Cause, see, in a minute, were gonna get on that plane and get away from here. I cant take a daywalker back to civilization across how many continents and countries to get back home.

But dont ask me to behead the love of my life. I aint got it in me. Dont ask me to smoke this man, not him. Not Carlos. Not this man who went to Hell and back for me loved me like I aint never been loved went through the fire, saved my family, been my world since I knew there was a world not my husband. Not my best friend. Not my lover. Not under any circumstances, no. Thats the raw truth. I cant. Somebody else will have to do it, and then, theyll have to come through me and do us both. Do you know how much I love this man?

Is that why you let them kill the baby? I just need a minute to breathe gotta get my head right, just so I can stand. But, Im telling You, yall can have The Isis, if thats what you want me to do with it.

Cant the clerics do something, if Marlene cant? He has this strange look in his eyes like Ive never seen before. Trauma. The color, silver, its wigging me out even though its beaubtiful. But its not his eyes. I cant read his mind. His aura is offdifferent. Its got colors in it Ive never seen before, and heavy metal, silver.

Is he angel or demon Neteru or just a man? What am I gonna do? I know I have a family to protect a world countin on me Thats my job. But Im only human, and I just lost my baby

God, talk to me. Please.
 
